Thursday, September 6, 2012

Day Five: Surrender

The Life of a Yogi

          On the first day of this program, Adam spoke to the group about how most trainees seem to hit a wall about halfway through the program… Sometimes it’s day three, sometimes day four… For me it was today, day five. It wasn’t so much the physical and mental exhaustion; that I can cope with to a certain degree! I just felt totally unreceptive for most of the morning, and I felt pretty bad about bringing those vibrations into the space, because I’m sure they didn’t help anybody else who may have been struggling with similar feelings.
          It seemed like the more I pushed against these feelings to try and change them, the worse it actually became. Obviously this was pretty frustrating, and at a certain point I had to just let it go… Then I realized that this was actually a pretty yogic way of dealing with the situation (surrender) – and lo and behold, things immediately began to shift!  
          Master Sadhana with Sri Dharma helped me start to lighten up, and even though the rest of the day was challenging, it was easier to keep it in perspective: “OK, this is just physical exhaustion, I’ve dealt with this before and I know how to cope with it now.” Of course, that didn’t make the evening Maha Shakti any easier – after a certain point in the class, my muscles just stopped engaging even though my brain was asking them to. Every time a posture got difficult, though, I would say to myself, “No, stay in the pose! The room needs people to stay in the pose so they can feed off the collective consciousness.” Sometimes I was only able to stay for another few seconds, but I hope those efforts helped at least one or two other people around me.
          We just finished the Holy Satsang/Kirtan… There were a lot of tears. I feel like all music has the potential to be incredibly moving, but the devotion of the people leading the Kirtan this evening was just so tremendous. I cried a little right at the beginning when Melissa started “Hare Krishna”… But then my desire to keep singing with everyone overcame whatever it was that had caused the tears (it definitely wasn’t sadness, but I’m not really sure if it’s a feeling I can name or even compare to anything else).
          Right at this moment I feel like I’m running on empty… So I think it’s time to head home and get as much sleep as I possibly can. Even though today was really difficult for me to get through, I actually wish this program didn’t have to end, and I want to enjoy every moment of what’s left!



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